20 December 2024

Sometimes I even disappoint myself

I’ve been falling short a lot lately. Even before my mom died I was not living up to my own standards, up to and including getting daily movement in. I had started out doing daily walks and it’s been weeks since I bothered. And with other issues too, though I’m working on catching up one of them. After Mom died I basically spent a week in a fog. I’m coming out of it, I think, and pushing forward but it’ll be a while before I’m fully up to speed.

In the midst of all that, good things still happen. If you’d told me five years ago that I’d attend the birthday celebration of one of my favorite authors AND give him a present he likes, I’d have said you were on meth.

Happy Burfday, bear man

Neighbor is now sixty-four. I had already thought about the Beatles song but thought it was probably highly inappropriate to share with him. No worries. L thought of it too and, by definition, she’s allowed. It’s all good.

My gift to him was a bear figurine. I wasn’t sure what he’d do with it, although he has a large curio cabinet in his living room and I thought, I wonder? and then, Nah… Well. GUESS WHERE HE PUT IT.

My other gift to him, unplanned, was this sneaky photo I got of him with his dog Hercules. He had just randomly, all of a sudden, decided nothing else would do but that he must cuddle on the floor with Herc for a few minutes. It was really sweet.

He and L are on my “restricted list” on Facebook because while I do my best to respect their space, so to speak, there’s always that concern that I might accidentally say something one of them finds unusually intrusive. So if I think there’s any risk, I put it friends-only to avoid potential conflict, and therefore the general public can’t see it either. And so at first I shared this friends-only because I didn’t know what he’d think. And then I sent it to him by DM because shit, if he wasn’t going to like this, that would have been odd.

He loved it. So if you know who he is, you’ve seen him share it. So I made my post of it public and so far, no one’s shat themselves about that. Didn’t think they would.

P.S. That’s my leg in the bottom right corner. Dog hair and all. Woohoo.

P.P.S. That’s one of his other dogs, Stevie (named after Nicks), in the background.

Not me getting up at the ass-crack of dawn

So far with the new odd job I’ve mostly done it with help because I’m still training, though I did the first leg of the run by myself this past Monday owing to one of the people I’m helping having a back injury. (We’re hoping it’s just soft-tissue and that he’ll be okay in another little while, though he’s in his seventies and I’m betting he’s not okay now.)

I am not sure at this point whether I will be doing it all by myself this coming Monday or whether I’ll have help after the first leg. I will have to do it all by myself eventually, because the people I do it for will be in Nevada at some point. So I’m wondering how well I will really hold up with all the lugging heavy things around. We’re talking moving two thousand pounds’ worth of material every week. Easily. Give or take.

But… given that four barrels is about eight hundred pounds and I moved that all right on a pallet jack and lived to tell the tale, and most movement of Stuff (legal, don’t worry, though I’m being vague on purpose) is going to be more piecemeal, and what I pick up here in town I’ll drop off before getting the rest of it? Probably I’ll be all right. We’ll see.

What really freaks me out apart from wanting to do everything correctly on principle is knowing that four people depend on me to get this done. Last time I had this much trust placed in me, I was working overnight hospital admissions BY MYSELF in the Army. The stakes were just as high, but it didn’t feel like it. I’ll feel better about this whole thing when I’m used to it, I suppose.

But! For my first pickup run here locally, I’ve been getting there between five-thirty and six. Which means me getting up before five. Those of you who’ve known me a long time are now cringing. Yes. I’m managing it, though, and a lot better than Neighbor would have, since he was first choice for this job. I’m thirteen years younger and have way fewer health issues. Plus my weak ass needs an occasional workout. So here we go.

My tune’s more like “Eleanor Rigby”

I am in this weird place where I feel more like I have friends than I have at any point in the past three years (and before, actually), BUT, I’ve been single since 2006 or 2007, y’know? For a lot of that time I was living with Matt, my daughter’s father, and so it didn’t 100% feel like being single. I did attempt relationships a few times, though it never “took.” It’s been like living in a weird bubble. Have hated it.

I’m also at that age when a lot of women are scared of trying again because we have SEEN what’s under the rock and we never, ever want to move it again. AND I am doubting myself because I look back on my past relationships and realize that even when I had a guy, I was so often coasting. That’s not the only reason my relationships failed, but when it happened, it didn’t help.

And I know there are decent guys out there. I do know! I wasn’t sure up ‘til now. I can’t have my favorite of the bunch, but I know there are more. But I don’t know where to begin. I know I don’t want to just put myself on dating apps because fuck knows they’re all gender-ID-captured and even “normal” straight guys all too often support that bullshit — talk about not being safe with your own partner. So I’d rather look in my own limited community, such as it is. And yet. If it’s not guys already being taken, it’s guys giving up on relationships and/or guys just being weird with me for whatever reason.

Well. There may be, like, half a glimmer of hope on the horizon. I don’t know yet.

I probably won’t talk about it much more than this until I get some better idea. Even then, it depends.

Okay. Got stuff to do. ‘Later.